I hate screens, I already stare at them 10 hours a day.
I don't think I have anything to say that hasn't been said by somebody in a better form.
From a young age I have somehow internalized this idea that any act of production has to be for some external entity, some reward, some boss, somebody I want to impress. It can't be just for the sake of it or just for my own benefit. Wonder where I got that idea from. Because of this writing feels like work and I don't have the bandwidth to do more work after working for 8-10 hours a day in an office working. Its extra painful because at work I always feel like am betraying my ideals and values that make me who I am as a person and office work feels like going against my own identity, betraying myself. So writing for yourself after work feels like coming back and hugging the love of your life after cheating on her for 8 hours daily.
I am really bad at starting things I have thought of and finishing things that I start. I have a big box of items in my room that I haven't unpacked since >2 months.
I don't feel the need to write about the small chains of thoughts I get. Conversations scratch my need to express out loud ideas I have been ruminating about in my head for sometime. But this just means I have never dived deep into an idea, going down the rabbit hole of the knowledge of the world available to me (which is a lot) and my own psyche that could bring about something really interesting and unique.
I am afraid if there is a permanent record of my writings and then if its not consistent, it will be a painful reminder of how I drop everything eventually and never finish anything.
Also I have grown up in an environment where your only sense of identity is your work, your grades, how good you are at doing what you have been told to do. Doing things of your own accord are the hobbies of rich people.
As I have grown older without ever writing anything (public or private) and have over the years consumed so much art that is good, developed a personal taste for "good art" (using art very, very broadly here, a well-written spec doc for a tech requirement is art) that now I know I will be stuck in the valley of despair in the dunning-kruger graph when I do start writing, another pain I guess I am avoiding. Its like I know logically that just the act of writing will feel good regardless of the quality of outcome but knowing it logically is not the same as knowing it emotionally so my body still wants to avoid the pain because it has not evidence of the positive effects of writing but the effects will only show up once I do write something, bit of a catch-22 situation.